Adventures in York, Chapter Two: Once Upon A Time In The Castle

I have to say I was most disappointed in the castle. Mostly I was disappointed in the fact that there wasn't a castle. I mean, one would think that there might be a castle somewhere in the vicinity of a place called the Castle Museum, but there is no actual castle still standing. I ought to sue for false advertising!

Apparently there was a castle at some point, complete with walls and a moat. The moat is now a parking lot. The only thing remaining of the castle itself is the tower.

Admittedly, the tower was rather exciting. It was very exciting because this tower, which perches on a fake hill overlooking the car park, fits in to the category I have dubbed "Really Old Stuff". This is my favourite category. I love "Really Old Stuff". I judge all trips on how much I am able to experience "Really Old Stuff".

My excitement was short lived because this really cool tower belonging to the category of "Really Old Stuff" (and formerly part of a genuine English castle) had the misfortune to answer to the most boringly unfortunate name of Clifford's Tower.

What kind of person names a cool old tower Clifford's Tower? Only thing worse would be calling it Bob's Tower. They don't even explain why it's called Clifford's Tower. Clifford didn't build it. Henry the III built it. It should be Henry's Tower. Use a little creativity here, people! How about something dark and mysterious like The Tower of A Thousand Screams? Or something romantic like the Trysting Tower? Really, they needed someone like me around to help them give stuff properly interesting names.

Clifford's Tower it remains, however. The castle was originally built by William the Conqueror , and was rebuilt by Henry III in the 13th century (including, evidently, Clifford's Tower). There are only about a million stairs, which is a fantastic workout for the thighs (Needed to burn off those yummy bangers.), but the view is well worth the exercise. The city of York stretches before me, the abbey in the distance. Amazing. Poor Jimbo has issues with heights, but he is very brave and takes pictures for me.

After his bravery over the tower, I take pity on him and we return to solid ground. Then it's off to the museum for the non-existent castle. A museum surrounded by, brace yourself, Harley's. That's right. A somber museum surrounded by at least one hundred flashily painted Harley Davidson's. I swear, only in England.

Man, I love this country!